Just last night, I was having dinner with a couple of close friends, when the conversation dramatically deviated to one of our favorite topics: HOOKUP BUDDIES.
Girl, you need to get yourself a fuck buddy, Violet* said to Lux*, aggressively stabbing at her linguini with a fork.
Lux swirled her white wine around in the glass, her big eyes gazing into it as if all the answers to lifes problems were hiding in her sauvignon blanc.
I know, girl. Im thirsty! she said defeatedly.
I crossed my legs like a lady and popped a piece of rare steak into my mouth. Well, the trouble is, if you meet a guy you actually like, youll sleep with him way too soon. And you dont want to start a real, long-term relationship with a drunken one-nighter
Right, Violet added. Thats why you fuck a guy you dont like that much! So you can be sexually satisfiedwithoutruining things with men who could be boyfriend material.
Hmm, I like that, Luxpurred, seductively running her finger across her pillowy lips.
Violet clanked her glass against mine. To fuck buddies! she yelled, frightening the elderly couple to our left.
They keep the mystery alive! I shrieked.
They build sexual tension! Violet added.
We spent therest of dinner brainstormingexactly what awoman needs to look for when searching for a good, old-fashioned fuck buddy.
And between the three of us, who are passionate and well-versed in all sexual matters, we broke down the perfect qualities a fuck buddy needs to embody in this day and age:
They live in a neighborhood you would never want to live or play in.
The key to securing a perfect fuck buddy is total, STRICT compartmentalization. You need to keep your regular life and your fuck buddy life completely separate.
Thisis why its imperative you find a fuck buddy who lives in a neighborhood you dont and would never like to live in, or even like to ~party~ in.
For example, I love the West Village of Manhattan, and my social life is centered around there.
But I could never, ever have a fuck buddy who lives in the West Village because I would run the painfully awkwardrisk of running into her when Im on a date with someone I actually like. Or even worse, I would most likely see her at the bodega on mypre-work coffee run in the morning.
And that is crossing a serious line. Once your fuck buddyknows how you take your coffee, its over. Thats how the love disease first starts to manifest.
Also, anytime someone catches you before youve had your coffee, theyre seeing the most raw, stripped-down version of you.
So youre basically screwed from this point on. When someone sees the unmasked you without any caffeine, they will fall in love with you. Vulnerability is sexy.
They will catch feelings, and you might catch them right back because that shit is contagious. And the whole purpose of the fuck buddy is never tocatch feelings.
Theyremoving within the next year.
The only time I ever had a successful fuck buddy was about four years ago, and it was with a woman who was moving to another country.
I have a hard time just having cold sex, as I tend to pour my heart out in the bedroom, even if its with a random.
Now, this a great quality, but it can be dangerous when trying to maintain proper fuck buddy etiquette.Feelings are easily caught when passionate kisses are exchanged. The only solution is to find someone who is moving soon, preferably to another country.
This way, you both know from the beginning there is no chance this little sex affair will ever escalate into something more.
And then, when your friends say, Well, what about your fuck buddy? Why dont you take it further? I mean, come on, Zara, you have GREAT sex, you can cooly respond by saying, Oh, shes moving to Paris in six months.
It shuts your friends up and shuts down your wandering mind. Thats ideal, baby.
They havea hugerelationship deal breaker.
Personally, I would never, ever seriously date someone who was really into organized religion. No disrespect. Im just fundamentally not about that life.
So if I know thats something really important to you, and going to church regularly isa huge part of your lifestyle, I think were too different to be long-term partners.
And lezbehonest: I dont think a diehard Christian is going to want to wed an agnostic lesbian like me.