Every time it starts to snow, your pale ass crawls up in a ball and cries alone in a corner and it’s making you crazy! So crazy that the residents of Atlanta thought it’d be a good idea to park their cars in the middle of interstate. This weather is making us all go bananas! Here’s why:
1. You’ve Lost Contact With Friends
When it’s 14 degrees outside, getting dressed up like a slut and hitting the town with your girlfriends sounds more like hard work than fun and so — you’ve alienated yourself. You’ve missed birthday parties because something that’s not exactly rain and not exactly snow is falling from the sky and you can’t be bothered to leave your apartment. You skipped out on a wedding because it was absolutely impossible to navigate your way across the pond of slush the size of Lake Erie outside of your apartment without completely ruining a $400 pair of shoes so you didn’t even bother trying. Your parents came to town and you didn’t even see them because you threw your back out trying to dig out your car (or at least told them you did because you didn’t feel like digging your car out.) You can explain to them all in the spring that you’re not an asshole — you were just too cold to leave your house.
2. You’ve Made A Ton of New Friends
Good news! While you have given up on having any human contact until April 1, you’ve made several new friends and they go by the names Olivia Pope, Walter White, Francis Underwood and Aaron Hotchner. Not seeing actual people has freed up a ton of your time to catch up on important things like watching an unhealthy amount of television. If you’re lucky and all caught up on your shows, sometimes they will even come and visit you in your dreams. Like the time I had an interracial sexual encounter with the leader of the free world, who also happened to be the bad guy from “Ghost.” Or that time I had a nightmare that I was caught cooking crystal meth in a trailer somewhere outside of Albuquerque. At least I was warm.
3. You’ve Completely Given Up On New Year’s Resolutions
Face it, you gave up on them on like January 2. It’s so fucking cold outside that getting up at 6 a.m. to go the gym before work when temperatures are in the negatives is out of the question. Thought about eating healthier? No one will be able to see what your body looks like until May at the very earliest so it’s very easy to convince yourself that eating multiple brownies in a public place is socially acceptable. Let’s all collectively agree to resume our New Years resolutions in the spring where things like quitting smoking or drinking less are logistically more feasible. In the meantime, we’ll all be a bunch of fat, drunken whores because it’s just too cold outside to care.
4. You’ve Also Stopped Caring What You Look Like in Public
There’s just no point in doing your hair because the second you step outside the wind is going to mess it up. Save the new shoes for the spring because everyone else at the office is wearing ski boots to work, so why should you care anyway? Take a look around you at the chapped, angry faces in your office. We have all completely given up on what we look like at work. Hell, I wore pajama pants out of doors the other day. Pajama pants! All I am saying is that the sooner one of the 5 million fashion bloggers of the world can write a piece about how to leave your apartment wearing everything you own and not looking like a fat lesbian, the better.
5. You’ve Wasted Too Much Time On The Internet
When you’ve watched everything that Netflix has to offer and eaten everything in your refrigerator, the next logical thing to do when there are three feet of snow on the ground is to take 4,104 Buzzfeed quizzes. It isn’t until after you’ve found that you’re actually Adele, should be living in Barcelona, but you’re actually a pan of hot buttered rolls, and the musical “Cabaret” and the ass of the human centipede that you could have actually done something worthwhile with your time like read of book or learn a new language. But, who the hell has time for that when you can find out which former member of Destiny’s Child you are. I’m Lativia.
6. You’re Mean
Yes, it feels like you live in Siberia and you did not sign up for this winter shit, but that’s no reason to get mean. And if you’re feeling the blues this winter, you most likely have. We have all had friends who have felt the need to endlessly quote “Frozen” lyrics as Facebook status updates, but that’s no reason to get pissy. When a buddy says something cute like “the cold never bothered me anyway,” responding by saying: “Oh really? Because I walked outside this morning and the second my skin touched the winter air I felt like I got hit in the face with a bag of dirty needles” is just plain rude. The next time someone poses the question “Do you want to build a snowman” on Facebook either ignore them or politely say “No.” Do not say “I don’t want to build a fucking snowman, I want to be on a beach sipping coladas and frolicking in the sand, asshole.” because that’s rude. Not that I would know or anything.
7. You Actually Have To Spend Time With Your Loved Ones
We all love our families, but when you’re trapped at home with them with nowhere else to go, you kind of want to kill yourself after a while — especially if your children ask you to help them with homework. While you may run an entire corporation, odds are you mostly can’t comprehend high-school level math and you will be forced to look like a complete dumbass in front of your kids. This is what teachers and daycare workers are for. They’re there to take care of your children when you’re at work or just don’t feel like dealing with them. And when these wonderful people are taken from you, you really begin to understand why God gave them to you in the first place and curse the latest winter storm for taking them away from you.
8. Conspiracy Theories Begin To Make Sense
If you’re trapped with nothing to do and freezing, your mind can begin to wander and the strangest things came begin to make sense. Like the fact that I believe the Disney Corporation orchestrated this blistering winter. Think about it, it hasn’t been this cold or snowy in years, gay boys and teenage girls have never been more desperate for a princess to make doodles and YouTube parody videos of and Demi Lovato has finally gotten her act together just in time for Disney to release “Frozen.” Coincidence? I actually think not. I believe Disney has finally figured out a way to engineer the weather in order to make a profit. Funny how it’s not snowing or freezing in Anaheim or Orlando, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?!
9. But Remember What Paula Told Us…
10. The Promise Of A New Day Is Coming…
11. …and Summer Will Be Here Before You Know It!
…and let’s all agree to never complain about the heat again!